Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
