Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
