Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
