New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize