I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
