I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
