is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
