bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
