she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
