hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
