I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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