The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
