I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
