I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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