The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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