if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
