theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
