Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
