I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
