Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I smell like Dick and happiness
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
