I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
