You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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