You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
