Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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