she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
