Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
