just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
