Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
