all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
