Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
