I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize