He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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