you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
