I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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