and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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