wanna go halves on a baby?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
