Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
