i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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