kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize