a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
