I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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