how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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