turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
