Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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