on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
