her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
