Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize