You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
