So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
