Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
