I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
