Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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