awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
