saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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