I faked an abortion last night.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize