You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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