Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
