so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
