I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
