He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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