Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I party with great urgency now.
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