I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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