I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
