overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
