I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
